


Here Without You

by storm_dog_pirate



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, F/M, Immortals AU, Poseidon!Nik and Athena!Zoya but not really, So yeah, Sort Of, and i also tweaked the mythology, i just need their rivalry LKJHSAFLKJ, only monologues and longing, this basically has very light plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:46:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27683747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storm_dog_pirate/pseuds/storm_dog_pirate
Summary: Cursed to live on earth as humans, Zoya has been finding Nikolai in every life he gets reincarnated. But every time they meet, it is always the same: he doesn't know her. He has no memory of her or anything about their past immortal life. And in every lifetime, she is slowly losing hope. For how long could she hold onto the thought of him remembering her again? Is her love enough?
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	Here Without You

How long does it take to fall out of love with someone who can't remember you? 

If there was anything that Zoya learned after being stuck in a human body for so long was that nothing was ever permanent. All of it, whether it was a physical thing or an intangible emotion, disappeared in time. Such a harsh truth, she knew, but it was the truth. 

For a long time, she had waited for it to disappear, or just fade if only for a bit. 

But for over a millennium, her love for him remained. 

Maybe that was what had driven her to stay away instead of finding him this time. Because no matter how many times they met, or how many times their paths crossed, or how many lifetimes passed, the result would always be the same. 

He would never remember her again. 

It was only reasonable for her to stop hoping for the impossible to happen. 

\---

Athens had been slightly cold that time of the year, even with the sun high up, which was a change since she last visited. 

Zoya looked around. There were quite a number of tourists visiting today, bustling around the site and taking photos of the scenery. She almost chuckled at the silliness of it. If today had been some other time before, the sight would've been better when the temple was still intact. But looking up at it now, in its ruined state, only brought haunting memories of their last stand against their common enemy before everything fell apart around them. 

_ Minnie? _ His voice echoed in her mind, along with the image of the worry and terror in his eyes as he knelt on the floor, trying to reach for her.  _ What's wrong? _

She shook her head, harshly shoving the memory away. But the sight of him vanishing after was already branded into her mind as if to remind her of her failure. 

The coldness of the small piece of metal in her hand was enough to bring her back, and Zoya pressed it harder against her palm until it hurt. Better this pain than the one in the past.

With a shaky breath, she made her way through the rubble of what once had been a divine place made by the people for the god of the seas. She remembered how much he appreciated the place, how much he took care of it during the old days they were still all in peace. 

_ He grinned, the one that reached his eyes and made them bright. His arms were spread wide. “She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” he said, gesturing to his newly built temple.  _

_ She merely raised an eyebrow at him. “Mine is definitely better,” she countered with a sneer. “And besides, yours wouldn’t even be there if I hadn’t allowed it.”  _

_ “Guess I owe you my reputation, then?” _

_ “Obviously, so stop being a show off.” _

_ Then he winked, and she didn’t like the way it made her heart skip a beat. “Only for you, dear.” _

The memory faded. 

It was then she realized that he never got to see what she had done to his temple. If he saw it now, what would he feel? 

_ Nothing, _ her cruel mind said.  _ He doesn't remember anymore _ . 

"Am I really waiting for nothing?" she said bitterly, not minding the weird stares she got from a nearby group. 

Zoya reached the entrance of the front hall. It faced the seas, a view which he had never grown tired of. And seeing it from here, she figured that she could never really blame him. 

The cliff from where the temple was built gave a wide view of the sea, stretching as far as it could until the other end that could be seen was only the horizon. Its glow of a mix of green and blue blended well with the afternoon sky, and it gave her a sense of serenity. Even if for a bit. 

_ The seas can help us find peace, dear, _ his voice echoed in her mind again, unwanted and welcome at the same time.  _ I'm sure you would appreciate it more in time _ . 

_ Don’t call me dear,  _ she had said, but it didn’t have the poison and sharpness from when they were still rivals.

Zoya felt a sad smile twitch on her lips. She did appreciate it, loved it even. An eternity with him before surely contributed to the love she had for the seas now. 

But an eternity without him only made looking at them feel bittersweet. It was as if she could see him nearby, but could never reach for him nor be with him. 

It was never fair.

She shook the melancholic thoughts away. She hadn't come here to lament over the things that could never be again. 

Zoya opened her palm to eye the small object. It was a trident keychain she had bought from one of the souvenir stores near the site's entrance, its gold color immediately catching her eye as she had passed by. 

It had become a tradition for her to leave various things by his temple whenever she visited. Whether it was of the strangest things like a water lily from a nearby pond or something like this, she always left things that reminded her of him.

It was only fair to remember him even if he didn't remember her. 

"An offering to the most infuriating deity I knew," Zoya whispered, her voice breaking slightly despite the softness of her tone. Her eyes suddenly burned. She blinked rapidly, feeling a tear fall on her cheek. She reached up to wipe it away.  _ Why now? _ She laughed bitterly. "I am still crying over you even after a millennium while you live and pass by without any memory of me."

She looked down to her right, where a boulder was perched on a pillar by the entrance, gently placing the trident on the surface. If only it was as easy to leave your feelings behind just as she left things in his temple.

"Sad and fascinating, isn't it?" 

Zoya jolted in surprise, her hand knocking over the small trident before she could let it go completely.  _ That voice— _

But it couldn't be. It  _ shouldn't _ be. 

The voice continued on. "To have such a vast structure built only for it to be destroyed later," it said, "it really is tragic." 

It was coming from behind her. Her breath caught in her throat, and her heart was beating erratically in her chest. 

_ It could be anyone else, _ her mind berated.  _ Stop doing this to yourself. _

But hearing his voice lifetime after lifetime, she would know it from anywhere. 

It was  _ him _ . 

Zoya released a shuddering breath, finally turning around to face him. She had seen him be reincarnated far too many times for the past two thousand years, had steeled herself from trying to run to him every time they met again. She had become better at making herself not care as the years passed. 

What she could never get used to was the excruciating pain in her chest whenever she saw the person she had been longing to remember her appear in her path once more. 

He still looked the same in every life, with his blond hair and hazel eyes, and that all-too-bright grin that she adored for thousands of years]. If she were to take a glance at him, it was as if nothing had changed. 

But the lack of recognition and warmth in his eyes told a different story. 

Were the Fates just that cruel to make their paths cross again and yet never last? 

Her eyes stung again. 

"I'm—" A look of worry bloomed on his face, and he held his hands up in apology. He winced. "I'm so sorry, I thought you could use some small talk. You look a bit sad earlier."

Zoya wanted to laugh. He still talked too much in every timeline he got reborn in. "It's—it's fine." She waved a dismissive hand, wiping at her eyes for a moment. "Just had something in my eyes."

If he wanted to say he wasn't convinced, he didn't bother to. He grinned and looked back up to the temple instead. "I'm really curious about this, though," he said as he approached the pillar to her left. 

She drew in a sharp breath, wanting to step away and put as much distance as possible between them. But she stood her ground. She wasn't going to shy away from only that reason. 

He touched the surface of the pillar and then pounded a fist on it twice. "The material looks sturdy enough to withstand a lot of calamities. But the damage looks far more than just that," he said, his eyebrows furrowing. Then he turned to her, hazel eyes curious. She found herself staring right back at them. "What do you think happened here?" 

She raised an eyebrow at him. "If you're curious about it, why didn't you get one of the tour guides for your questions?" 

Almost immediately, he grimaced, scratching the spot behind his ear. "I left my wallet back in the hotel I was at," he said, voice lowering with every word. "I only have enough spare cash for a bus ride back." 

Zoya looked at him incredulously, and he obviously shrunk back slightly, the embarrassment still evident on his face.  _ Still the idiot he is. _

He sighed. "Well, at least I'd still be able to go back in a bus. I mean imagine walking back to your hotel in this kind of weather," he said, gesturing at the sky. "The sun god isn't merciful today." 

She stared at him for another moment, and then she did one thing she hadn't done for a while. 

She laughed. A genuine, loud one that surprised him, and even herself. Another moment passed, and then he was softly laughing along with her as well. If there were some things that remained unchanged, it was his blabbering mouth and idiocy in every life. It felt as if he was really here with her. 

"Trust me, the sun god is more merciful than you think," Zoya said.  _ If only Tolya can hear you now. _ "Give him a bit more credit." 

"If he calms the blaze down for even a bit, then maybe." He shook his head with a chuckle. Then he patted the pillar. "I hope the god of the seas doesn't mind hearing me badmouthing his fellow deity."

Whatever happiness she felt was short-lived and instantly faded at that, her heart clenching. She forced a smile on her face. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind." 

"You sound like you know a lot about the gods." 

_ I know a lot more. _ "I know my mythology."

He raised a brow, an amused grin playing on his lips. "So does the mythology expert have a name?" 

Zoya froze, and her thoughts stopped altogether. She had gone through this for as long as she could remember, and yet she still found herself stuttering every time. 

"Minerva," she said before she could even think of it. Her mind panicked. It was her godly name. They had chosen their current names when they first answered to the humans a long time ago, and when they were damned to the mortal world, it had been the names they’d lived by ever since. 

All the times she had met him, she gave a different one, while he said the same over and over. She didn't know why she told him her real name all of a sudden. 

"A lovely name," he said, extending a hand out. "Nikolai." 

She only hesitated for a moment before taking his hand. His skin was warm against hers, and she felt their connection throughout eons in that one touch. His eyebrows knitted together the moment their hands clasped together, but it was gone as soon as she blinked. She didn't know if she had just imagined it. 

"Nice to meet you," she said. The words already felt hollow after repeating it for over a millennium. 

Nikolai grinned. "Likewise." He let go of her hand before gazing up to the temple again. "So, I'm guessing it was destroyed from within. An explosion, perhaps? A divine explosion, if I may add. It's only plausible to think of that reason if we were to consider the mythology." He shrugged, looking totally satisfied with himself. "Correct me if I'm wrong, though, o' wise one."

She didn't answer for a while. The question he asked was bringing back far too many buried memories of the dark era. Genya's unwanted deception. Harshaw's downfall. Alina’s sacrifice. 

Nikolai’s doom. 

It came back rushing to Zoya, and it took all she could to not break down. She clenched her hands to fists, willing the memories away. It wasn't the time to let them take over. Not that there ever was a right time.

"Minerva?" 

She broke out of her thoughts, turning back to Nikolai warily. There was a worried crease in his eyebrows as he looked at her. 

"Are you alright?" he asked, concern evident in his tone. 

"Yes, of course. I'm just trying to remember something," she replied. 

"Ah, is the wise one starting to forget her mythology?" 

Zoya tried to ignore the way the nickname prick at her heart. It was hitting too close to home. "I tend to forget things too, you dolt. Be glad I'm willing to answer your questions instead of leaving you hanging with your curiosity." 

To both her surprise and expectation, Nikolai only laughed. He had never minded her sharp tongue and rough edges. Not even once. "Then do scold me for my wrong assumptions," he said.

She huffed, but looked back up to the monument. "No need to ask for the worst," she said. "But you're actually quite right about that. It was destroyed from within, and not by a natural calamity." 

"I knew it," he said triumphantly, his grin lightning up his face. "Though I'm quite surprised the sea god was allowed to be given a shrine in Athens. If my memory is right, didn't the goddess of Wisdom win that war?" He frowned. "I'm sensing there’s more than what was said in the books." 

_ More than you'll remember from all your past lives, my love. _ Zoya recovered with a scoff. "The modern books are shit. Anything printed in them barely holds the truth." She wrinkled her nose. "I've been in far too many old libraries to know." 

Nikolai raised an eyebrow. "Would you care to elaborate on the real history, then?" he said, eyes holding only genuine curiosity and no mocking. "I'm all ears." 

"You're not going to let this go easily, aren't you?" 

"Not after you intrigued me with your confidence about its truth." He paused, his expression suddenly turning somber as he looked around the ruins of the old temple. "It's strange but there's something about this place that draws me in, and I just want to know what it is."

Zoya felt her chest clench as she looked at him sideways. This happened in every life; Nikolai would be reminded or be familiar with everything, but he never remembered. And she was always left to deal with the pain alone. 

With a quiet sigh, she braced herself from the upcoming pain of trying to reminisce a memory of them together, even more so when it was the start of their eternity together. An eternity that was ended in a blink of an eye. 

But she figured that she would still indulge him. Even if it was the last time. 

"They were rivals," she started. "Archenemies if you want to call it that, always had each other by their throats. It started when the sea god tried to ransack the temple of the wisdom goddess with a great flood." 

She'd never forget the rage she felt at that time when she caught him in act, and how that rage deepened when he reasoned out that it was the sky god who had forced him to do it. His reason turned out to be true, but since the sky god was untouchable, she retaliated by stealing and burying the sea god's trident way underground for at least a decade. 

It had rained non-stop in Olympus that time, but the defeated look on his face as he lived without his prized weapon was worth it. 

"The sea god is a huge idiot, you see, and the wisdom goddess dislikes that kind of person." Zoya wanted to laugh in the way she was narrating  _ their _ history, but the thought of him not remembering any of it was disheartening. "But that's just the way he was." 

Nikolai chuckled. "Am I sensing bias?" he said, shaking his head. "Sounds like they had a pretty silly rivalry." 

A smile twitched on her lips. "That's a nice way to put it," she replied. "One petty thing led to another, until they were both interested in becoming the patron of this city that the rivalry between them worsened. The sea god even went as far as challenging the wisdom goddess to a duel the night before they set to present themselves to the king of Athens, saying that she only got interested because he was interested.

"It was actually half-true, and also because the wisdom goddess did not want to make things easier for him as he did with her for centuries." 

"Please tell me they didn't go on with the duel," Nikolai said. 

"Joke's on you. They did."

"Damnit." Then he laughed. "Who came out the victor?"

Zoya couldn't help but smile triumphantly. "The wisdom goddess, of course," she said. "She put him in his place that night and told him to forfeit his plans being the patron of the city." 

"I'm sure he didn't come to present himself to the king the following day, then?" 

"Another joke on you. You're underestimating the stubbornness of the sea god." She shook her head in disbelief, and it made Nikolai laugh a bit more. She raised an eyebrow to his way. He should really stop laughing at himself. "If there was something else constant in him other than his idiocy, it's his optimism and stubbornness. He still showed up the next day despite having lost the duel." 

Nikolai chuckled. "Sounds a lot like me," he said. Zoya's breath hitched, but she ignored the tiny spark of hope starting to ignite again. Then with a shrug, he added, "Well, you know what they say. No guts, no glory."

"The wisdom goddess literally almost gutted him but he still persevered, and she had to commend that, at least. She didn't bother wasting her time berating him when he showed up." She kicked away a rock near her foot. It toppled over the huge crack dividing the ground, a fissure she had created after seeing him crumble to nothing in front of her. She forced her eyes away. "Even now, I still don't know why she didn't." 

"Out of respect, maybe?" he offered with a shrug, and Zoya considered it for a moment. Perhaps it was. "What happened after?" 

"They were asked to offer a gift to the people that will prove useful for a long time. Of course, being as confident as he is, the sea god volunteered to go first. He struck the earth with his trident and a fountain of water came forth. But what he didn't know was that it could only produce saltwater. It was pretty much useless for the population. 

"Then it was the wisdom goddess' turn. From there, she struck her spear on the ground and planted a branch that grew an olive tree. The king was more impressed with the wisdom goddess' gift, so he chose her to lay claim on this city." 

Nikolai raised an eyebrow. "Ah, so that's what happened." He nodded in understanding. Then he frowned and glanced up at the temple, pointing a finger up to it. "Wait, that still doesn't explain how the sea god got his own temple in the city where his very own rival was the patron? I'm quite sure the sea god didn't accept his loss that easily." 

"That's where you're wrong." Zoya followed his look up. "He peacefully conceded," she said.  _ And it was the very first time you regarded and smiled at me without a hint of malice _ . "So she obliged his supporters' wish to build him a shrine near the sea. Thus the temple in this location."

The smile that appeared on his lips was almost affectionate and soft, and she found herself smiling a bit sadly. "I guess despite the rivalry, they could still be forgiving with each other," Nikolai said. Then he turned to her. "What happened to them after that?" 

"They—"  _ Fell in love and had an eternity in front of them,  _ she wanted to say but decided against it. She had told him enough truth. "—made a truce and agreed not to come after each other again. No other wars between them after."

"Just like that?" 

_ We've had a lot more than just _ that. He didn’t need to know how he became much different to her after that, his treatment around her becoming much better despite her initial hostility to his changed attitude towards her, or how he made his way to her heart without her even realizing that she'd let her walls down for him. 

Nothing would make a difference.

"More or less, yeah," she replied after a moment. 

Nikolai still didn't look convinced when he turned back to her. "Not even on friendly terms?" 

Zoya only shrugged. "There were no further things said in the old stories," she said. She didn't know why she was lying to him when he didn't even remember anything. "So we're left to our own assumptions on what possibly happened in the following years."

A look of disappointment bloomed on his face. "I refuse to believe nothing happened else after that," he said firmly. "It's too….open. There must be something more."

"It's quite disappointing, but it is reality. Sometimes that's just the way it is." 

"Fair. I believe there's something more, but I guess I'll have to leave it open as well." He sighed, and then smiled ruefully. "The worst part of every story is having no ending."

Zoya only smiled sadly as she turned away from the temple and faced the sea. Beside her, she felt Nikolai shift and do the same. The quiet stretched on, and nothing but the occasional sound of wind and the other tourists' voices could be heard. 

It was at times like these that she appreciated the calmness that the view of the sea brought to her, and she was left to remember that what he told her about the seas was true. 

Another wave of pain and longing washed over her, the stinging in her eyes returning. He was so,  _ so _ close and yet she could never reach out to him and hold him close again. But she would be content with having him near even without any memory of her rather than losing him forever. 

"How about you?" His voice came after a long while, soft and soothing as the afternoon breeze. "Do you believe that there was nothing more for them than just their rivalry?" 

Zoya didn't answer right away. It would be so easy to tell him the truth, to say that the two most opposite deities had overcome their differences and fallen in love against all odds. 

But her exhausted heart was too afraid to open up with the truth when she knew that nothing would change if she told him. 

"To be honest," she said, mustering up all her courage to keep her tone flat, "I don't know. Maybe there really wasn't."

Nikolai nodded in understanding. "I suppose that's possible too," he said. "Guess we're of opposite minds, yeah?" 

"We've always been," she whispered, and she was almost thankful for the shrill sound of his ringtone to cover up for her voice. 

He immediately answered it, his becoming relieved. There were a few exchanges of words before he was ending the call. "My rental car is finally starting up again so I'll be able to head back to the hotel. I'm afraid I'll have to cut off our tour short," he said with obvious dismay. "Thank you very much for the knowledge and wisdom you have bestowed me today."

Zoya was already starting to bid him goodbye, but her mind had begun pondering over his words and the ones from earlier. "I thought you said you were taking a bus back?" 

"Oh. I, uh," Nikolai stuttered, scratching the spot behind his ear with a nervous chuckle. "I kind of made that up." Then he quickly added, "I'm so sorry about that but you looked like you needed a small talk or something, and it was the first excuse that came to my mind." He tried to smile, but it was pained enough to pass it off as a grimace instead. "Though it’s probably a good thing I hadn't hired a tour guide as I learned a lot more from you, I apologize for making an excuse up." 

"You don't have to explain yourself, I did actually quite enjoy sharing too," she said, offering him a lopsided smile in return. "And also, thank you for being kind." 

He grinned at that, his face lighting up. "Likewise." He tipped his head in a polite bow before extending a hand. "It is nice meeting you, Minerva." 

Zoya tried to ignore the heaviness in her chest in the way he said her name. She put on a small smile. "Likewise, Nikolai." 

He gave another smile before letting go of her hand and turning to leave. Only to stop after a few steps and face her again. Then he was pulling something out of his pocket. 

"Well, a token of appreciation for your expertise on mythology," he said, handing her a small keychain. "And also for enduring my curious and talkative self."

She opened her hand, and he placed the object to her palm. Her breath caught in her throat when she recognized it. 

It was the miniature version of  _ her _ shield. 

"The wisdom goddess' shield," Nikolai said as he pulled his hand back. He offered her a soft smile. "It's only fitting for you to have it because you share the same level of wisdom as her." Then he gave another polite bow. "Farewell, o' wise one. Though I do hope to see you again some time."

With a final grin, he finally turned and left. 

Zoya stared at his retreating form until he disappeared among the crowd of tourists, feeling a lot heavier on her shoulders now that he had left. The keychain was still warm in her hand as she walked towards the cliff's edge, and away from the people that might possibly see her. 

The weight of it all came crashing down at her. It felt surreal, a fever dream she couldn't get out of, and she was left reeling from the effect of what had just occurred. 

Why today? Why here? 

It was one thing to see him again. But in this place out of all the ones he could have met her? It was cruelty, a mocking from the Fates to show her that she was never free of her torment even when she already remembered, and he hadn't.

She will never be free of it. 

The burning in her eyes felt too much again. But this time, Zoya didn't do anything to stop the tears from falling.

\---

What she hadn't expected was seeing him again later that night. 

It wasn't new for her to stay late at the site, even after its closing time. If you were old friends with the manager of the place, you got quite a bit of special treatment. 

_ You can stay for as long as you need to _ . The text message from Genya had been displayed on her screen for quite a while now.  _ Just don't make yourself too sad _ . 

Zoya huffed lightly. If that were easy to do, she would have done it a thousand years ago. But a lot of things were easier said than done. 

The alcove she had been staying at was just several feet below the cliff's edge, particularly made for lounging a long time ago. But after years of neglect, what was once a finely made spot was now nothing more than a small opening carved from a trident's strike. The boulder that used to be big enough to hold two people had now crumbled to smaller rocks, and she was left to sit on the cold ground instead. 

Nikolai had built the spot when they wanted to have a quiet time together without the prying eyes of mortals or any of their fellow deities nearby. She remembered nights when he would point out the constellations for her, and despite having all the knowledge about it, she let him talk and make up stories for each of them. Other times it would be still, neither of them talking and hands just clasped together, watching the waves on the seas surge and move to his bidding. 

The memories hit her painfully. She longed to have those nights with him again, or even to just  _ be _ with him, without having to worry about him slipping away from her. 

But that seemed impossible now. 

Her watch suddenly beeped, signaling that it was already one in the morning. But somehow, the sound was muffled amidst the memories in her head. She needed the calm, the quiet. A place where she could be in peace. And she knew just where that was. 

Zoya stood up and dusted her pants off before making her way back up the cliff again. Slipping off her cardigan and shoes, she left them along with her phone and wallet by the row of rocks that served as the barrier for the edge. She made her way to the lower part of the ravine afterwards, where the drop was directly to the water on this vantage point. 

If Genya were here, she would surely reprimand her from doing such a dangerous thing in the middle of the night. But Zoya usually did night dives during the times she visited here, as the seas brought the serenity she used to feel around him, and she was just desperate to have it again. And it wasn’t as if she could die.

She closed her eyes and turned to the night sky, breathing in deeply as the wind picked up around her. Then, with a contented sigh, she broke into a run and jumped off the ledge. 

The rush of air felt familiar in her ears as she plummeted to the sea, and a moment later, she was submerged under the surface. Underwater, it was quiet, the tranquility making it easier for the memories to come rushing to her mind. The coldness should have bitten at her skin the moment she sunk, but she didn’t feel anything. She closed her eyes. 

Her mind chose to bring her back to one night on the beach, when he stopped the tides and held her close as they danced slowly under the stars. It was the very first time he had bared his real self to her, and the first time she had seen him past the confidence and the cruel persona he wore as one of the highest among the gods. 

She hadn't known how to react that time, and she found herself at loss for words. It was the moment she doubted herself. She was the goddess of wisdom who liked definitive odds and probabilities. She approached everything with caution and vigilance. And above all else, she was supposed to treat him as a rival. An enemy. An opponent of the other side. 

But Zoya must have miscalculated, because she ended up going against everything she’d ever believed when she fell in love with him. 

Her eyes stung, and her chest clenched. It wasn't from the lack of air. 

_ Please, I'd do anything _ , she pleaded desperately to any other divine being that could hear her.  _ Make him remember _ .  _ Make him remember me. _

Something grabbed at her wrist, and her eyes shot open. A figure was trying to haul her up to the surface. She struggled for a moment, but whoever was pulling her had a strength of the currents and waves of the seas during a storm. 

After a moment, they finally resurfaced. Zoya was gasping for air as they broke out of the water, immediately getting hold of the person's collar and turning them violently to her. 

Whatever harsh things she was about to say were forgotten when the dim lights from above the cliff caught the face of the figure. 

"Minerva, are you alright?" Nikolai asked, concern evident in his voice.  _ What the hell was he doing here? _ His eyes searched her face. "Why did—no, never mind that. Let's get you out of the water first."

She was still too shocked to move or answer, so she let him drag her to the sands on the far left side of the cliff. He did most of the swimming, as her body still refused to cooperate with her. It must have been a struggle for him, but he didn't show it. His movements were precise and powerful as if he had been doing it all his life. Though considering his real identity as the god of the seas, this was nothing to him. 

They hit the sands after a short while, and it was then a bit of Zoya’s strength returned. She immediately pushed Nikolai away. 

"Let go of me," she hissed, voice hoarse from being under the water for too long. 

He stumbled, clearly not expecting the act, and he looked at her with obvious hurt in his eyes. 

If it was some other time, she would have felt bad and tried to apologize. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be hurt. But she was exhausted and miserable and she didn't want to deal with anything at all. She let her emotions take over. 

"How did you find me?" She gritted her teeth as she wobbled on her feet. "You aren't supposed to be here." 

A look of disbelief appeared on his face. "A thank you would be nice," he said. "I just saved your life." 

"Who said I  _ needed _ saving?" she snapped. "Didn't you consider for a second that maybe I knew what I was doing?" She started towards the path leading back up to the temple, calling out to her shoulder, "You should mind your business." 

"So you preferred to drown down there alone?" 

_ I can't die _ , Zoya wanted to say, and she had to bite her tongue to keep herself from saying it. She chose to ignore him instead and continue up the upward path. The cold was starting to seep to her skin, making her shiver slightly. 

She could hear his rushed footsteps behind her as he followed. "Minerva," he called out. "Look, I'm sorry." 

Zoya ignored him. They were almost at the top of the cliff again. 

"I didn't mean to upset you—please, Minnie."

She abruptly stopped in her tracks, her eyes widening. Her thoughts stopped all together.  _ Could it be? _

Slowly, she turned to face him, her heart in her throat. "What did you just call me?"

Nikolai seemed to realize what he had said, and he looked mortified. "I—I'm sorry, it just came to my mind." 

Zoya wanted to laugh bitterly at herself. Of course, he still didn't remember. It was always only reminders of their former lives that came to him just to keep her hopes up. But it was all the same after. 

"Leave before I report you for trespassing," she said curtly and continued up the path.  _ Just stay away, _ she pleaded in her mind desperately, even though her heart wished for the opposite. But she couldn't take any more pain right now.  _ Please _ . 

Thankfully, she didn't hear him behind her after that, and she made her way back to where she left her things. But when she finally got there, the exhaustion caught up with her and she stumbled to the row of rocks. Her body was already shivering when she sat down, and she put a hand to her face. 

Realization dawned at Zoya all of a sudden. Her harsh treatment of him wasn't necessary, and there was no one else to blame but herself for letting her emotions take over. And even if she wanted to apologize, she had already scared him off. 

Something warm was draped around her shoulders, and the smell of the sea wafted to her nose. A choked sob made its way out of her mouth. Why hadn't he left yet? She had regarded him badly when his intention was solely to save her from drowning. She didn't deserve his kindness. 

"I told you to leave," she said, moving her hand away from her face. But she didn't turn to him. "I warned you that I would report you, didn't I?"

Nikolai laughed lightly. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him settle over one of the rocks in the row near her, though he still kept a considerable distance between them. 

"If you wanted to report me," he said, "then you would have gone straight to security the moment you arrived up here." 

Zoya huffed, but didn't say anything more. She hated that he was right about her. He could always see right through her, and it was the one thing that didn't change in him. 

His voice came after a moment. "Did you really intend to stay underwater for that long?" 

She didn’t answer right away, because she didn't know how. She hadn't even realized that she had been underwater for too long. "How did you get here, anyway? And why are you here?" she asked instead, effectively deflecting the subject. 

Nikolai winced. It was obvious that he didn't have a clear answer to her question either. "I have my ways. And I can assure you my reason isn't for cruel purposes." 

"Guess I won't report you, then," she said, and Nikolai smiled at that. 

"I owe you my life, o' wise one," he said. 

_ I couldn't even save you on time, _ Zoya thought bitterly. 

A long silence came after, with the both of them facing the well-lit temple that glowed against the night sky. The wind picked up, and she shrugged the jacket tighter around her. She looked at Nikolai sideways, remembering that he had also been soaked to the bone when he jumped in after her. But there weren't any traces of him being cold, so she turned her attention back to the temple. 

"I couldn't sleep," he said after a while. He took a small piece of gravel from the ground and tossed it over the cliff's edge. "It might be strange to hear this reason, but the story you told me this afternoon kept me up, and it drew me back here. Maybe I wasn't thinking straight. It wasn't as if coming back here would answer the questions in my head." He chuckled softly, shaking his head. "I was never a fan of open-ended stories."

"They fell in love," Zoya said simply, averting her gaze from him and looking back up at the temple. She could practically feel his shocked expression directed her way. She figured that she owed him the whole truth at least, after treating him badly just earlier. 

And for the last time she would be able to talk to him. 

"I'm sorry, what?" 

"You heard me." 

Nikolai scoffed. "If this is some lie just to sate my thoughts, then I would prefer the cruel truth to hit me squarely in the face."

"I'm not lying. I know it seems quite impossible if you look back at their history," she said. "But the ones that happened after were more important. The oldest scriptures said so. They fell in love and had an eternity ahead of them."  _ And we had. We just didn't know it would end in the cruelest way, and you would be taken away from me _ . "It wasn't well-known to the public as the modern books stated that they stayed rivals throughout the rest of their immortal lives." 

"How could two gods who literally fought over this city fall in love?" 

"I don't know." And it was the truth. He really was her biggest uncertainty and miscalculation. But it was the one thing she didn't regret happening. A rueful smile appeared on her lips. "And yet they did. Against all odds." 

Nikolai laughed lightly. "I can't believe it," he said, his tone bordering breathless and disbelieving. "Do you think they're still in love?" 

The question felt like knives being stabbed into her heart.  _ I've loved you for an eternity _ , she thought as she looked at him, to the face that never left her mind for a millennium.  _ Does your love for me still exist, even if it lays forgotten in the deepest depths of your heart? _

Her eyes burned, and she looked away. "I hope," she said truthfully. "It would have been extraordinary." 

"I would have to believe they still do," he said. "I mean, it's kind of amazing, isn't it? To love the same person for thousands of years." 

Zoya felt another crack on her mask. "It is," she whispered. "A lot have tried gaining her attention, but no one can ever compare to him. She doesn't see anyone else." 

Nikolai sighed contentedly. "They're lucky," he said. "To have a love like that, I mean. Those kinds are rare."

"Have you ever been in love?" she suddenly asked. She hadn't meant to pry, but she wanted to know if he found someone else during his time. She blinked, realizing how intrusive the question was. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to." 

"Ah, is the wise one a curious cat now?" He laughed when she gave him a glare. He raised his hands in mock surrender. "I'm joking." He turned back to the temple with a faraway look in his eyes. "But to answer your question, I don't think I have. At least not in the way the sea god and the wisdom goddess were."

Zoya didn't know whether to feel relieved or sad at that. So she only nodded in understanding. 

"I like to think that maybe I did, even just once. There had been a few people in the past." Nikolai smiled sadly. "But there's always something missing, you know? I could never tell what or why I am feeling that way. There's just this…hollowness I can't explain." He paused, his eyebrows furrowing. "Somehow coming to this place relieved me of some of the emptiness. I guess I should come back here more often." 

A tear fell from her eye, and she quickly wiped it away before he could see it. Her heart was beating erratically in her chest, that tiny spark of hope that she thought was dimming had ignited once more. 

This was exactly why she didn't want to meet him again. They would cross paths, and he would be reminded of something in their past life that made her heart believe that things could be what they once were. But they couldn’t. They never would. 

_ Destined to meet, but never to last. _

So she didn't let herself ponder over it. This had already happened so many times, and yet she always got hurt for expecting too much in the end.

"How about you?" he asked, voice gentle. "Have you ever been in love?" 

_ I have. And I still am. _ "Once." 

A beat. "How was it?" 

_ A curse and a blessing at the same time. _ She blinked her tears away and replied, "I still think about him everyday." 

Nikolai hummed. "Lucky guy." 

"He really is."

"Can I ask what happened to him?" 

Zoya let out a shaky breath. "He forgot about me." 

"I would remember you," he said. 

_ Then why didn't you? _ She covered up with a bitter laugh instead. "Easier said than done." 

He didn't say anything else after that, and another wave of silence filled the air around them. Zoya appreciated the quiet, reminding her of the moments of peace in the past, and she felt a sad smile on her lips along the ache in her heart.

She would remember this, even if it's painful for her. She didn’t know when she’d see him again. 

_ If _ she would see him again. 

Suddenly, a beam of light flashed to her face, and she raised a hand up to cover her eyes. "Miss Nazyalensky?" a voice asked. She immediately recognized it as Isaak's, Genya's head of security. "Are you alright?" 

"Yes, it's me. I'm alright," she said, and the light disappeared. 

The young guard's eyes shifted from her to someone past her shoulder. If he noticed their still-drenched state of dress, he didn't say anything. His eyes narrowed. "Who—" 

"Don't worry, he's a friend," she said, glancing at him sideways. "He's just about to leave." 

A look of disappointment flashed on his face, and Zoya silently apologized to him in her mind. It was the only way to make him go. Isaak was looking at him expectantly. 

"Yes," Nikolai said, "I was just leaving." 

She turned back to Isaak. "Be a dear and show him the way out, it's already dark."

Isaak only nodded before turning to Nikolai. "This way, sir." 

Nikolai sighed and stood up without further complaints, walking towards the young guard. But not before he looked back at her for the last time. He smiled softly. "It was actually good seeing you again," he said, and Zoya felt her heart break a little more with those words that held much more meaning to her. "Good night." 

With that, he turned away to follow Isaak back to the entrance. Her feet were already moving before she even realized it. 

"Wait," she said, and Nikolai stopped in his tracks. She made her way towards the temple's entrance, going over to the boulder by the pillar where she’d left the small keychain earlier. She found it on the floor, almost covered with rubble. But thankfully it was still there. She picked it up and turned back to him. 

His eyes were expectant and curious when Zoya stopped in front of him, and she let her gaze linger to memorize his features to carry with her, as if she hadn't had all of him engraved in her heart and mind for thousands of years. 

"Here." She handed the trident keychain to him. He took it reluctantly, a deep crease in his eyebrows evident as he stared at the object in his hand. "I left it this afternoon as an offering to him. But you might as well have it."

Nikolai blinked, a grin appearing on his lips that brightened his face. "I hope the god of the seas doesn't mind."

"Don't worry, I'm sure he won't."  _ It's technically yours, anyway. _ "And it’ll be something to remember me by."

"Even if you don't give me anything, you're not that easy to forget, Minerva," he said, and then he tipped his head forward in a polite bow. "Thank you."

The look in his eyes was warm, and Zoya felt as if she was really looking at  _ him _ . She desperately wanted to reach out to him and hold him close to her again. But she held back. "You're welcome," she said, stepping back before she did something she would regret later. She would not make this harder for herself. 

With a final grin, Nikolai finally turned and followed Isaak. 

And as she let him walk away from her for the umpteenth time in her life, she was left only with longing and the same pain she had been carrying for as long as she can remember. 

_ I love you, _ she thought, hoping the winds would be kind enough to carry the words she had been wanting to tell him.  _ This would be the last time. _

***

The memory of that night came back to her as Zoya stood by the entrance of his temple again more than a year later. She didn’t expect herself to be back here; she had vowed that she would stop hoping for the impossible. But it was never that easy to let go of something you’d been holding onto for a long time. 

She had spent the better part of the year trying to convince herself that she could do it, that she could let him go. Sometimes she thought she did, as her thoughts about him didn't bring that much pain to her than before. But more times than not, she would still find herself crying at night, wanting nothing else than to have him with her again, asking any other deities to hear her plea and end their torment. 

And yet it remained unanswered just like it had always been. 

A strong breeze blew past the site, and Zoya shrugged the jacket tighter around her. It was almost the same as last year, albeit a bit colder, causing the temple to have less visitors than usual. The sun was starting to set in the west when she approached the cliff's edge, giving the sea an orange glow. 

She smiled ruefully, suddenly realizing the depth of her decision. This view was going to be one of the sights she would have to give up if she ever stopped visiting here. And it was something she wasn't letting go. As much as she wanted to forget,  _ his _ seas had been a constant part of her immortal life, providing her with peace that often slipped away from her, and it was the closest thing to him that she could be with. 

The thought hit her like a ton of bricks, and Zoya wanted to laugh. She had been a fool to think that she could ever forget any of this, that she could forget him. 

Because even after all her attempts to do so, he would always be the one on the other end of the red string tied around her wrist. 

"It's not fair, you know? I'm still crying over you, and I'm so,  _ so _ tired," she said to the sea, her voice quivering as she did. The stinging in her eyes came quickly this time, and she reached a hand up to wipe it away. A broken sob came out from her lips when she whispered, " _ It's not fair, Nikolai. _ "

She put a hand to her face as she continued to cry. There were times that her grief would overwhelm her to the point that she wouldn't have minded whether she was in public or not, and the pain in her chest was enough to break her. 

This was one of those times and she had no control over it. 

Zoya didn’t know how long she stayed there, crying her sorrows to the seas that could only do so much to comfort her, that she didn’t even notice the presence behind her until it spoke. 

"When I first saw you here a year ago, you were just close to crying."

Everything seemed to stop around her. Her thoughts halted and she brought her hand down from her face. 

_ No, it's not real _ . 

But she knew it was true. 

Zoya turned to the direction of his voice, and there he was, basked in the glow of the sunset that made his eyes gleam much brighter than what she used to have engraved in her head. 

Nikolai smiled softly. "It's been a while, Minerva." 

She didn’t know why her mind suddenly started making up excuses, anything she could say to elude him before the pain became too much for her to bear. 

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" It might have been the stupidest excuse she could think of, but it was all she had. A look of hurt flashed on his face.  _ Walk away, Zoya. _ "You must have mistaken me for someone else." 

She briskly walked past him, each step away from him feeling like daggers being driven to her chest. 

_ Walk away, _ Zoya willed herself. 

She could do it. She could walk away so she wouldn't have to suffer. She could do this, and do it again in the next life. 

She could stay away from him. 

But as she went further away from Nikolai, her mind narrowed to one thought.  _ I can't do it _ . 

It was then his voice came, gentle as the waves from the shore. "Are you really going to walk away this time, Zoya?"

This made her stop abruptly on her tracks, her heart in her throat. A surge of wild hope ignited in her chest again. 

_ No, he could've asked for it from the management _ , she thought.  _ Isaak could have told him. _

She had been waiting for a thousand years to hear it again, to hear the warmth in his voice whenever he said her name. But why wasn't she believing it? Why wasn't she turning to him? 

_ Why only now? _

Against her better judgment, Zoya finally faced him. Her vision blurred with another wave of unwanted tears. If this was some cruel trick to play on her—

Nikolai must have noticed her look, because he gave her a reassuring smile. " _ The seas can help us find peace _ ," he said as he approached her. Zoya could only look at him, her heart still not wanting to believe. But he continued, " _ And I would gladly stop the tides and currents if it meant giving you the serenity you desired _ ."

He stopped right in front of her, the gentle look in his eyes remaining the same. She looked back up at him, finding any traces of deceit in his hazel eyes, or anything that proved that he wasn't real. 

But in them she only saw the warmth and love that he sent her way, the reflection of their memories worth for thousands of years, the one that the wisdom goddess didn't expect the sea god to give her. 

"Hey," Nikolai said, his voice coming out in a broken whisper. His face crumpled when he brought a hand to her cheek. A quivering smile made its way to his lips as he said, "I'm sorry I'm late." 

A sob tore from her throat as Zoya lunged at him, her arms wrapping around his neck tightly as if he would disappear again if she let go. 

_ He's here. _ "You're back," she sobbed against his shoulder. "You're back."

She felt his arms around her not a moment later, strong and warm and welcoming, the same way she remembered even after a long time.  The world could have burned down around them, and still Zoya wouldn't have cared, not when he was finally back to her. 

"I remember," Nikolai was saying over and over, his voice shaking from crying. "I remember it all." He pulled away slightly, just enough to look in her eyes and see the relief reflected back in them. Tears fell freely from his eyes as he pressed his lips on her cheek— "So many lives, I've lived" —his lips went to the bridge of her nose— "So many times I've met you" —he moved to her eye— "And I didn't even know it was you that I was missing." 

He pressed their foreheads together, his eyes closed tightly. He brought his hands up to the sides of her face. "You always found me," he whispered, "and when I remembered, I knew it was my time to find you." He reached for her hand, bringing it to his chest, and she felt the steady beat of his heart as if it had finally found peace and its home. "I love you. I loved you in every life. My mind could forget, but my heart and soul never did." 

Zoya laughed, but it came as a broken sob instead. She reached her other hand up to his face, her touch still hesitant. Everything felt like a dream. She had been waiting for this moment for so long, and now that it was here, she wanted to make sure it was real. 

But he was warm and his presence comforting, and he was looking at her the same way he did when he stopped the tides for her that one night on the beach. 

More tears fell from her eyes. "I never thought I'd see you again. I've watched you slip away for a thousand years, and yet my love for you remained the same, if not stronger," she said, voice hoarse. "I missed you every single day." 

Nikolai leaned into her hand, pressing a kiss on her palm, and then on her wrist. A few tears landed on her skin. "I love you. I'm here now." His lips moved to her forehead. "I love you."

She clutched him closer to her. "I thought I lost you," she said. She closed her eyes as he moved to press a lingering kiss to her temple. Her voice broke when she repeated, "I thought I lost you."

"I know, I'm sorry," he murmured against her skin. "But I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He pulled away to look in her eyes. "I'm not leaving you again." 

And when he sealed his promise with a kiss, Zoya felt the thousands years' worth of pain and longing lift from her chest, replaced by the feeling of warmth and contentment, and finally, home. It would be another start for the both of them, as they had a lot of time to make up for. The road would be tedious, but they had each other. 

Her love could last for another eternity.


End file.
